LISTENING . . .
it's one of the best things you can do for a relationship or for anyone for that matter. I'm not talking about hearing with one ear and thinking in your head about your eager response while the words of your loved one are trying to be heard. I'm talking about keeping your mouth closed, your mind shut off to your own eager responses, and really listening and getting what the other person is saying. Don't even think about your own feelings at that point but rather think about what the other person is feeling, thinking, trying to tell you. First of all, be glad they are actually telling you their feelings and not keeping them all shut in and harboring resentment, frustration, and agitation. See it as a gift . . . “This person, whom I love, is sharing themselves with me in a more intimate way than even sex”. (Yes, this is for the guys who actually think sex is the most intimate thing they can share. Not true.)
Okay, I said it. (Sorry, girls). But guys may not believe that because most guys, and I am not saying all guys, but most guys think that the most intimate thing they can do for the one they love is to have sex with them. Wrong!!! It's to listen. (And a side note: that little box with the Victoria Secret thingy in it is not really for her but for YOU. If you REALLY want to give her a gift, for HER only, then always listen.
If you are not paying attention then you can get sidetracked. If you find yourself getting sidetracked while you are supposed to be listening, then kick yourself in the behind and shape up. Someone very near and dear is trying to talk to you!!!
One time I went to some motivational meetings with someone and the speaker was talking about communication. Would you believe that what they really covered was how to listen? I did and came away with one of their great responses to give to someone . . . "I understand".
No, really. That was the saying. In other words, when you are listening to someone pour their guts out to you, you focus and say . . . “I understand”. You then don't go on and on about how you understand because you were in the same situation five years ago and blah, blah, blah and how you got out of it and are now successful and yada, yada, yada.
No. You truly say, “I understand” and then you shut up!!! Let them keep talking. Remember . . . you're listening!!! It's not time for you to spill your guts as well. Especially if you are trying to work something out. Be the one who listens first and be patient. Your time will come to speak, and you will be listened to in a more encompassing way because you listened in a big way first.
Don't believe me? Then you're not listening to me!!!
Believe it or not, listening is believing . . . believing in the other person who is confiding in you and doing your best to understand. By saying you understand, it will actually help you to sit there and really try to understand.
Did I say you had to agree? No. Don't minimize another person's feelings just because you may not have experienced it nor think their feelings were practical, etc. And don't tell someone, "That's stupid", "I can't believe you felt that way". Dumb dumb. Don't you get it? They are feeling that way because you couldn't believe they were feeling that way the first time they told you!! Duh. Get a clue.
And by the way, don't tell someone how they should feel or not feel. Their feelings are valid. So are yours, but right now we are talking about listening, and your feelings or responses are supposed to be on hold for the moment, so you can be in the moment with what that someone is telling you about what he/she needs from you. So, listen. Really listen. It's important.
Did you know that if you start out a conversation with the thought that you have to agree in order to be resolved in your relationship, then you don't know the first thing about listening! Your opinions have nothing to do with listening. In fact, if you're thinking about your opinions at this point, you are not listening at all.
And that's a big one too . . . your opinions. But NOT in a sit-down heart-to-heart conversation where someone is trying to patch up a relationship that's totally worth patching up. My opinion and yours, by the way, is but a grain of sand in the universe and not worth two cents when compared to hearing the words coming out of a loved one's mouth. Keep your opinions in the board room and hash it out all you want there, but bring love, an open mind and ear to relationships. If you are so bent on getting your opinions out in the world then write a blog about them!! Haha.
Are you listening? I understand.
So when your loved one bares their soul to you, you do your best to listen and understand and do one more thing . . . ask, “What can I do to make things better”. Take responsibility to be a part of making things better because, believe you me, you were part of making things worse most likely! It's a two-way street. It takes two to tango. Be humble. You're not perfect and could probably use some changing in your attitude, the way you talk to people, the way you listen, and so forth and so on!
Do you understand?
Repeat after me . . . “I understand”.
Good! Now you're on the road to good listening.
© nancy 12.30.2009
it's one of the best things you can do for a relationship or for anyone for that matter. I'm not talking about hearing with one ear and thinking in your head about your eager response while the words of your loved one are trying to be heard. I'm talking about keeping your mouth closed, your mind shut off to your own eager responses, and really listening and getting what the other person is saying. Don't even think about your own feelings at that point but rather think about what the other person is feeling, thinking, trying to tell you. First of all, be glad they are actually telling you their feelings and not keeping them all shut in and harboring resentment, frustration, and agitation. See it as a gift . . . “This person, whom I love, is sharing themselves with me in a more intimate way than even sex”. (Yes, this is for the guys who actually think sex is the most intimate thing they can share. Not true.)
Okay, I said it. (Sorry, girls). But guys may not believe that because most guys, and I am not saying all guys, but most guys think that the most intimate thing they can do for the one they love is to have sex with them. Wrong!!! It's to listen. (And a side note: that little box with the Victoria Secret thingy in it is not really for her but for YOU. If you REALLY want to give her a gift, for HER only, then always listen.
If you are not paying attention then you can get sidetracked. If you find yourself getting sidetracked while you are supposed to be listening, then kick yourself in the behind and shape up. Someone very near and dear is trying to talk to you!!!
One time I went to some motivational meetings with someone and the speaker was talking about communication. Would you believe that what they really covered was how to listen? I did and came away with one of their great responses to give to someone . . . "I understand".
No, really. That was the saying. In other words, when you are listening to someone pour their guts out to you, you focus and say . . . “I understand”. You then don't go on and on about how you understand because you were in the same situation five years ago and blah, blah, blah and how you got out of it and are now successful and yada, yada, yada.
No. You truly say, “I understand” and then you shut up!!! Let them keep talking. Remember . . . you're listening!!! It's not time for you to spill your guts as well. Especially if you are trying to work something out. Be the one who listens first and be patient. Your time will come to speak, and you will be listened to in a more encompassing way because you listened in a big way first.
Don't believe me? Then you're not listening to me!!!
Believe it or not, listening is believing . . . believing in the other person who is confiding in you and doing your best to understand. By saying you understand, it will actually help you to sit there and really try to understand.
Did I say you had to agree? No. Don't minimize another person's feelings just because you may not have experienced it nor think their feelings were practical, etc. And don't tell someone, "That's stupid", "I can't believe you felt that way". Dumb dumb. Don't you get it? They are feeling that way because you couldn't believe they were feeling that way the first time they told you!! Duh. Get a clue.
And by the way, don't tell someone how they should feel or not feel. Their feelings are valid. So are yours, but right now we are talking about listening, and your feelings or responses are supposed to be on hold for the moment, so you can be in the moment with what that someone is telling you about what he/she needs from you. So, listen. Really listen. It's important.
Did you know that if you start out a conversation with the thought that you have to agree in order to be resolved in your relationship, then you don't know the first thing about listening! Your opinions have nothing to do with listening. In fact, if you're thinking about your opinions at this point, you are not listening at all.
And that's a big one too . . . your opinions. But NOT in a sit-down heart-to-heart conversation where someone is trying to patch up a relationship that's totally worth patching up. My opinion and yours, by the way, is but a grain of sand in the universe and not worth two cents when compared to hearing the words coming out of a loved one's mouth. Keep your opinions in the board room and hash it out all you want there, but bring love, an open mind and ear to relationships. If you are so bent on getting your opinions out in the world then write a blog about them!! Haha.
Are you listening? I understand.
So when your loved one bares their soul to you, you do your best to listen and understand and do one more thing . . . ask, “What can I do to make things better”. Take responsibility to be a part of making things better because, believe you me, you were part of making things worse most likely! It's a two-way street. It takes two to tango. Be humble. You're not perfect and could probably use some changing in your attitude, the way you talk to people, the way you listen, and so forth and so on!
Do you understand?
Repeat after me . . . “I understand”.
Good! Now you're on the road to good listening.
© nancy 12.30.2009
Guilty as hell, your Honor!
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