LISTENING . . . 
it's one of the best things you can do for a relationship or for anyone for that matter. I'm not talking about hearing with one ear and thinking in your head about your eager response while the words of your loved one are trying to be heard. I'm talking about keeping your mouth closed, your mind shut off to your own eager responses, and really listening and getting what the other person is saying. Don't even think about your own feelings at that point but rather think about what the other person is feeling, thinking, trying to tell you. First of all, be glad they are actually telling you their feelings and not keeping them all shut in and harboring resentment, frustration, and agitation. See it as a gift . . .  “This person, whom I love, is sharing themselves with me in a more intimate way than even sex”. (Yes, this is for the guys who actually think sex is the most intimate thing they can share. Not true.)

Okay, I said it. (Sorry, girls). But guys may not believe that because most guys, and I am not saying all guys, but most guys think that the most intimate thing they can do for the one they love is to have sex with them. Wrong!!! It's to listen. (And a side note: that little box with the Victoria Secret thingy in it is not really for her but for YOU. If you REALLY want to give her a gift, for HER only, then always listen.

If you are not paying attention then you can get sidetracked. If you find yourself getting sidetracked while you are supposed to be listening, then kick yourself in the behind and shape up. Someone very near and dear is trying to talk to you!!!

One time I went to some motivational meetings with someone and the speaker was talking about communication. Would you believe that what they really covered was how to listen? I did and came away with one of their great responses to give to someone . . . "I understand".

No, really. That was the saying. In other words, when you are listening to someone pour their guts out to you, you focus and say . . .  “I understand”. You then don't go on and on about how you understand because you were in the same situation five years ago and blah, blah, blah and how you got out of it and are now successful and yada, yada, yada.

No. You truly say, “I understand” and then you shut up!!! Let them keep talking. Remember . . . you're listening!!! It's not time for you to spill your guts as well. Especially if you are trying to work something out. Be the one who listens first and be patient. Your time will come to speak, and you will be listened to in a more encompassing way because you listened in a big way first.

Don't believe me? Then you're not listening to me!!!

Believe it or not, listening is believing . . . believing in the other person who is confiding in you and doing your best to understand. By saying you understand, it will actually help you to sit there and really try to understand.

Did I say you had to agree? No. Don't minimize another person's feelings just because you may not have experienced it nor think their feelings were practical, etc. And don't tell someone, "That's stupid", "I can't believe you felt that way". Dumb dumb. Don't you get it? They are feeling that way because you couldn't believe they were feeling that way the first time they told you!! Duh. Get a clue.

And by the way, don't tell someone how they should feel or not feel. Their feelings are valid. So are yours, but right now we are talking about listening, and your feelings or responses are supposed to be on hold for the moment, so you can be in the moment with what that someone is telling you about what he/she needs from you. So, listen. Really listen. It's important.

Did you know that if you start out a conversation with the thought that you have to agree in order to be resolved in your relationship, then you don't know the first thing about listening! Your opinions have nothing to do with listening. In fact, if you're thinking about your opinions at this point, you are not listening at all.

And that's a big one too . . .  your opinions. But NOT in a sit-down heart-to-heart conversation where someone is trying to patch up a relationship that's totally worth patching up. My opinion and yours, by the way, is but a grain of sand in the universe and not worth two cents when compared to hearing the words coming out of a loved one's mouth. Keep your opinions in the board room and hash it out all you want there, but bring love, an open mind and ear to relationships. If you are so bent on getting your opinions out in the world then write a blog about them!! Haha.

Are you listening? I understand.

So when your loved one bares their soul to you, you do your best to listen and understand and do one more thing . . .  ask, “What can I do to make things better”. Take responsibility to be a part of making things better because, believe you me, you were part of making things worse most likely! It's a two-way street. It takes two to tango. Be humble. You're not perfect and could probably use some changing in your attitude, the way you talk to people, the way you listen, and so forth and so on!

Do you understand?

Repeat after me . . .  “I understand”.

Good! Now you're on the road to good listening.


© nancy 12.30.2009

HAPPY HOLIDAYS Have you gotten into the Ho Ho Ho yet? No! No!! No??? “Get on with it!!” as Rosemary Verey said to me in 1996 when I was trying to get my picture taken beside her in her beautiful garden at Barnsley House in the Cotswolds of England. The task had taken longer than she thought necessary, and when the words came out of her mouth I thought in my southern mind . . . how rude!!! But I had grabbed her in an adoring tourist sort of way most likely taking her away from some desperate weeding she had in mind before she had to finish the next book she was writing not to mention the speech she would be giving at Oxford or the Chelsea Flower Show. Probably not. But can you imagine your garden being trampled by tourists on a daily basis and all you want to do is walk in your garden undisturbed? Yes, the British would have just walked by her and said, “How d'you do” while tipping their woolen hats and brandishing the ever-present plaid umbrella. But, us rowdy Americans just have to get in your face, wrap an arm around you and tell you to smile for a camera. Now that's rude and I can see Mrs. Verey's point. Touche.

Maybe this Christmas you can shed some cheer. You have a few days left. Bring your camera to the Mall, stand next to complete strangers, wrap your arm around their waists and tell them to shout “Kris Kringle” as you hold your tiny camera as far in front of you as your bones will allow. CLICK. Selfie taken and “there you have it” . . . another British term that comes in handy from time to time when finishing an elaborate story. So “get on with it” with a Hohoho and a Heeheehee realizing you may have made someone's day or at least made them wake up and smell the peppermint candy canes. My choice to keep my Christmas cheer in full gear? Coca colas and chocolate which inevitably will lay me  down with a bang on the couch with the cat on my chest for a long winter's nap. It could work for you too and hopefully, you will wake up to fresh, falling snow out your window after dreaming about a White Christmas where treetops glisten and children listen to hear sleigh bells in the snow. Where's Bing when you need him? And by the way, a sleigh pulled by some big, jingle-belled horses wouldn't hurt the mood, right? So take your frown, turn it upside down and you'll find your laughing place. Ho Ho Ho.

“Get on with it!”

 © nancy 2009

HO HO HO

Happy Holidays!

Wait a minute . . . did I just hear you mumble, "Bah Humbug?"

If you're determined to be a Bah Humbug, then be one with gusto and a smile. That way you'll be a hit. But if you want to be a curved back, grumbling Scrooge, then go sit in your cold corner alone without a lump of warm coal to your name and count your pennies instead of your blessings.

Me? I say, "Turn on the twinkly lights!!!"

That's right. I know that I was the first one to grumble at the folks who would put up their Christmas lights before Thanksgiving. I thought it a terrible thing to see twinkling lights for sale at the drug store along with Halloween masks. Can't people be patient? What's the rush to get to Christmas before you can even say, "Boo?!"

But this year I had a change of heart. Before I could say, "Trick or Treat" I was silently getting out my tree from its resting place in the attic and giving it a prominent place in a room where it could be seen through my front glass door from the street below. It helped that the happy lights were permanently attached to the fake tree, and I only had to plug the cord into the outlet and exclaim . . .  "I needed a little Christmas . . . right this very minute . . . I needed a little Christmas NOW !!!"

So what if the Trick or Treaters came to my door this year and Ding Dong! saw the glowing tree in the background. They probably thought they had landed in Oz. Unfortunately, Glenda had a headache and couldn't meet and greet the little munchkins at the door so a bowl of candy was left on the stoop next to the pumpkins to make the trek up the driveway worth the little goblins' efforts. Hope the kiddos found the offering while their parents stood at the curb far below . . . yelling, "Only take one piece!"

And grumbling amongst themselves . . . "Is that a Christmas tree I see through the front door? What?!!! The nerve. Can't she wait for the last piece of candy to be eaten? I tell you what . . some people! It's bad enough that you see folks putting up their trees before their Thanksgiving turkey can come out of the oven, but I swear. Really?".

"Yeah, and the next thing you know she'll be setting off fireworks in January!!!"

Hmmmm . . . that's an idea.

And off they go, hand in hand, with their batmans, princesses and pirates to the tune of, "Can we put up our tree when we get home, mom/dad? Can we? That was pretty!"

And what about you? Are you down in the dumps? Turn the radio on 'cause Santa Claus is Comin' To Town, Chestnuts are Roasting on an Open Fire, and I'll Be Home For Christmas . . . you can count on me.

"And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord . . . " (Luke 2:10-11)

"... and peace on earth toward men of good will." (literal translation)

(c) nancy 12.1.2009